For years, Toinetta Jones played the dating game by her mom's strict rule.You know this is somewhat untreaded waters here in this blog. I don't exactly go into relationships on here. Before I actually opine I have another article to bring up from another of my favorite blogs.
"Mom always told me, 'Don't you ever bring a white man home,"' recalled Jones, echoing an edict issued by many Southern, black mothers.
But at 37, the Alexandria divorcee has shifted to dating "anyone who asks me out," regardless of race.
"I don't sit around dreaming about the perfect black man I'm going to marry," Jones said.
Black women around the country also are reconsidering deep-seated reservations toward interracial relationships, reservations rooted in America's history of slavery and segregation.
They're taking cues from their favorite stars -- from actress Shar Jackson to tennis pro Venus Williams -- as well as support blogs, how-to books and interracially themed novels telling them it's OK to "date out."
It comes as statistics suggest American black women are among the least likely to marry.
"I'm not saying that white men are the answer to all our problems," Jones said. "I'm just saying that they offer a different solution."
She reflects many black women frustrated as the field of marriageable black men narrows: They're nearly seven times more likely to be incarcerated than white men and more than twice as likely to be unemployed.
Census data showed 117,000 black wife-white husband couples in 2006, up from 95,000 in 2000.
There were just 26,000 such couples in 1960, before a Supreme Court ruling banished laws against mixed marriages.
The State of... had a post on a different trip when it comes to black relationships...
I (J) had a conversation with a few 40-something sistas a few weeks ago. One of them, tired of dating for 20 years and never finding a good man, and then being led astray by a married man, has now turned to dating other women. Her "girl," she says, "makes her feel good." (Coincidentally, she showed me a picture of this "girl" - and the chick looks like Randy Macho Man Savage.) The two of them are moving to Miami in a few weeks.I could look at these stories and talk about the extremes black women go to so that they can find a suitable mate. One went an interracial route and the other went the homosexual route.
Interestingly enough, the other 40-somethings said that they preferred men, but could entertain the thought of a female partner. Interesting. That's what it's come to?
I mention these two article not to dispute them but to say I would like to know where are the men and what are they doing. When some of these educated, accomplished black women talk about why they can't find a mate I would hear some things in addition to the incarceration rates.
I've heard that black men are dating women outside of their race. Or that some available black men are gay. Some of it might be that they can't find a black man on their educational or income level.
This is what I really wanted to address. Where are the available black men and why aren't they going to college and moving up in the professional world? Is it the rap, gangster, drug or street culture? Is it that no one in their lives, during their more impressionable years, aren't pushing them to do much better? Especially in school and to actually think about what they want to do in the future and to prepare themselves for it.
And I could have questions to ask about these black women. I could ask if they're stadards are too high with regards to their mate. Must their mate have the same or a better educational level as/than they do? Must they have a similar or a higher income level? Must they be in a professional career as opposed to a blue-collar occupation? Could this be about class?
Well I'm not going to pretend that I have the answer to that. I just hope that when these women go into their relationships with anyone I hope they do it for the right reasons. Hopefully if they are in it for the right reasons, then they'll be happy.
Oh and the second article I presented that was certainly untreaded waters here. Hopefully I won't go there again.
2 comments:
I am a Black woman with many years of dating/relationship experience and I am the author of a recently released relationship memoir. I have also dated a White man and currently a White man is one of my closest platonic male friends. I also have 2 fantastic Black male platonic friends. Therefore, I feel a bit more equipped to shed light on this matter.
One should choose to spend time with, befriend and date people with whom they share things in common - regardless of the color of the person's skin. Period.
Just because a Black woman chooses to date or marry a White man does not mean she does not find Black men desirable, are pissed off at Black men, have given up on Black men or any other negative reason. It could and ideally should mean that destiny put her and this man, who happens to be White or of another race, on each other's path and they were smart enough to recognize their soulmate.
The article stated that historically Black women have been more loyal to dating within the Black race than have Black men. I believe this to be true but I don't know why. Thankfully Black women are waking up to realize that because of various biological reasons (one being more baby girls than baby boys are born everyday) and societal reasons (the inordinately high number of imprisoned Black men, gay Black men, etc.), if they don't intend to spend many a Saturday night alone or with girlfriends, or never marry, they'd darn well better consider dating men of other races.
I offer two cautions to Black women in this respect:
1. Do not, I repeat, do not date a White man or man of any other race because you are pissed off at Black men. This is unfair to the man you are dating. People want to know they are in your life because you genuinely want them there - not because you don't want somebody else there.
2. Be prepared for societal backlash from family, friends and the public. And I'm not just talking about Black people either. Interestingly when I dated a White man and when I'm with my White male platonic friend, the nastiest stares come from White women. I find this odd but being a woman I suppose it's because both of these guys are VERY attractive, well-built men. Don't know and don't care. I certainly do not bat an eye, cringe or care about Black men who date White woman.
The color of a person's skin is not indicative of what's in them. Nough said.
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
Author, "Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces"
http://www.carminwharton.com
Excellent PoV from a black male on this story here: http://averagebro.blogspot.com/2007/08/could-mr-right-be-white-aps-assault-on.html
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